|
Sunday, 11 January 2004
looking within ...
i think one of the things i "hate" most about breaking up (read 'getting dumped') with a girl is all the introspection it causes me to do ... i keep thinking that "if only i was a little different" then things would have worked out ... i really don't know if i'm happy with who i am ... i think so, but i know i'm not happy with the way people perceive me ... that's what i really don't know how to do anything about ... and i don't know how to put my heart into anything ... and i don't know how to let go ... and be free ... something is always weighing me down ... i remember i used to look at my day or a certain time period and say "well this is the one thing that sux and if it didn't i'd be happy" ... as if one thing was always keeping me down ... there were a few times i felt like there wasn't anything wrong ... but they were few and far between ... i hate not being depressed and just sad ... i wonder if i should see a therapist ... i don't see how someone can convince me that there's nothing "wrong" ... and i don't want pills to make me feel better ... i think the problem is i don't know what i want - i don't know what i'm supposed to do ... i just don't understand how to be human ... i just don't think anyone believes in me and it's got me thinking i can't believe in myself ... it's all so pivotal to leaving UT ... why did i do that? i gotten me nothing but here ... i was thinking @ work today that i was better off when i graduated high school ... every decision i made since then has been terrible ... following amanda - bad idea ... thinking i couldn't do anything w/o her - bad idea ... blindly picking a major - bad idea ... throwing away my group of friends @ UT - such a regretable mistake ... and my time @ kent started off bad cause of my mental state post-amanda ... i'd say the only good thing that's happened is that the blows of getting dumped haven't hurt so bad since that ... it does with holly, and i'm guessing it's cause she seemed to like me so much ... and now she won't talk to me ... and i can't go see her at work ... and i don't think she's ever gonna talk to me ... and i don't think anyone likes me ... i'm just so upset how my whole world came crashing down in a week ... it's as if my life is telling me to always be weary of getting ready to start over ... and one of the things i hate most is that i can't explain this to someone and feel like they understand ... i don't feel like anyone understands anything i say ... i have no faith in my existance ...
Posted by scxtt
at 2:31 AM EST
Updated: Saturday, 24 January 2004 2:22 AM EST
View Latest Entries
| 
