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scxtt

Monday, 19 July 2004

a PODDING i will go!
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: own recordings ...
i just got me a POD Pro XT for a great price! ... so now i plan on using it to record even cooler things ... i'll use it in tandem w/ my POD Pro and create my own Vetta "2 amps @ once" recordings ...


Posted by scxtt at 3:47 PM EDT

Sunday, 4 July 2004

here i go a blogging ...
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: what a song? VR's "sucker train blues" - and the rest of the album
hmm ... here are some more happy tidings ... not much has been going on - still just sitting around, waiting to give KSU all the money i have ... i guess it hasn't been to bad, keeping to myself - and being the continuous recluse that i am ... i hadn't REALLY talked to heather since the ride down to NC (her phone was shut off apparently) - but she invited me out with people from the rec - well, laurie and robin (back from the air force?! hahaha) - and holly was there, yay (note the sarcasm) ...

--
i'll just do this now, get it out of the way ... things were reasonably fine with holly ... it's easy to pretend to be nice to her, it's almost fun - a little game ... so we were pretending to be friends for most of the night - till she was drunk enough to get a dudes phone # and start playing games ... but it doesn't really matter - i know i don't ever want to date her again, but it makes me mad how she does this ... she picks up a 30yo dude named gordon who is selling his house and moving to the VIs ... what's the point? is she so hard up for sex? pretty sad ... i feel real sorry for her ... i guess getting fired from champps for being drunk/obscene @ work isn't rock bottom for her ... i guess something horrible has to happen to her for her to snap out of this rut she calls her life ... oh well, not my problem ... i do find it hilarious the way she acts around me - i can tell i still do something to/for her - but who am i to talk really - i still am minorly attracted to her ... but at least i understand why ...
--

so i meet them at this bar in akron, by work - don't remember what it's called, but i was only there for about 15 minutes before they decided to leave ... then we headed to "wings" - some weird bar/dance place that we were in/out of in 5 minutes ... then we headed to this place called "posh" - it was corny as hell - but surprisingly not so bad ... only $3 to get in and beer was the ususal $3.50 ... it actually wasn't that bad - i refused to dance of course - but it wasn't so stressful cause i didn't have a gf making me feel bad for not doing it - i do HATE dancing with a passion tho ...

that was all fun and whatnot - and of course we went to coutry diner ... that's basically where holly and i started butting heads ... but it wasn't so bad ... i don't really care ... i started feeling sorry for gordie tho - cause he has no idea what he's getting himself into ... sure you can sleep with holly - but it's not worth the headache - it's not really the prize you'd hope it would be ... but what do i know ... ...

so i ended up pretty happy with the evening ... nice to get out of the house for a change ... the only other thing that went down is that i can't tell if robin is flirting with me - probably, i know "how she is" ... she always asks where i'm living - i wish i was on my own again - i'd love to know what that would mean to her (wink,wink,nudge,nudge - say no more!) ... so yeah, i'd like to "do that" - but it's probably more trouble than it's worth - and i'm not comfortable pursuing such a venture ... oh well, it's fun to think about ...

on the guitar front - slowly but surely i'm moving in the right direction ... found how cool the pod pro is run into the computer - so now i want to get an xt or a vetta - damn! ... also looking for a good passive for the RG - i did manage to wire the hotrails in all by myself - so that's cool ...


Posted by scxtt at 3:13 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 7 July 2004 2:37 AM EDT

Saturday, 5 June 2004

WTF? why? argh ...
sigh ... i tell you what, i just don't get it - plain and simple - i don't understand people ... and i really don't get what people do to people, ie how they make them feel ... it's kinda goofy and all, the circumstances, but it just makes me feel lost in this grand scheme of life ... here we go:

i was upstairs watching tv and heather called but i didn't have my phone ... so i see that i missed her call and i call her back ... well she's in a cops car ... she calls back later and tells me that she was so drunk she tried to walk to akron - from champps - but people called the cops and said she was doing that ... so her and holly got trashed @ champps and heather just left to walk cause champps wouldn't let her drive ... so she says she thinks her and holly are gonna be jobless ... which probably won't happen, but i wouldn't be surprised if it did ...

i just don't get what goes through their heads ... i don't understand how people live like that ... and it's kinda confusing how it makes me feel about holly - i guess it's another good reason not to care about her ... but for some reason i wanna "help" her ... but i'm sure it's just another case of me trying to "change" people ... and that never makes me happy ... i don't need something like that in my life ... and i'm kinda glad i didn't answer the phone cause i have this feeling i'da gone up there and just ended up being pissed off ...

i do think i wanna have a talk with heather ... i'm gonna send her a txt msg that says "can you give me a call tomorrow night - i just wanna talk to you about "stuff" ..." we'll see how that goes ...


Posted by scxtt at 12:35 AM EDT

Friday, 28 May 2004

the space between ...
i'm so sick of it all ... so much of me thinks that i'm just not meant for this world ... not in a "i'm super special" kinda way - just that i don't fit into the conventional mold - the mold that makes most people "happy" ... i just can't take the way people are anymore - and i can't stand perception ... i'm just starting to feel more and more uncomfortable again ... i feel like a stranger in my own skin at times ... i'm pretty sure i know why, since i've been keeping to myself to much lately but it's all just bugging me so much ... there's basically two things that are wreaking havoc on my mental state ...

1st-ly is "eric" and the past - it seems that some people just can't let false or past perceptions go ... and that it's totally possible that i just will never be friends with people i thought were my friends ... case in point with a supposed bon-fire travis and lance were having ... eric calls lindsay up and asks her to it - knowing full well she "hates" travis and also knowing i'm home and would be more than willing to hang out ... he said travis told him to ask people - i guess i'm not people ... ok, whatever i'm used to the cold shoulder from my ex-friends ...

2nd-ly ... ever since heather's birthday i've felt like we aren't friends ... and i really don't understand it ... i know i'm kinda just being a baby about it - but i don't feel like i'm unjust in these feelings ... we don't do squat anymore and we barely talk ... and i haven't talked to holly since heather's birthday ... so i think once i get back from SC, i'll see if i can have a good ol' heart to heart with her ... i mean all this stuff has got me thinking i just suck - that inevitably all my "friends" will become "non-friends" ... and that's real hard to deal with ... i don't understand why it seems that i'm getting pushed to not be "myself" ... it's like i need to be everyone else's version of scott in order to be "liked" ... or to have any longstanding relationship ...

i think i'll run this stuff past tim when i'm down in SC ... he seems to be the only person who'll put up with "scott" ... i really hope this is something sincere and not to get me on some advocare bandwagon ... but i know i don't really deserve it from him - another chance ... i know i haven't 'done anything' to him, but i guess i tend to just bail on him ... probably cause i've generally been uncomfortable around him - since the end of HS ...

but it's ok - cause i've narrowed all the shortcomings of my life down to what i did with high school - that relationship was the downfall of who i would have become - it's my fault, but it wasn't something i had control over ... i'm just sick of life looming over me, only showing up to kick me when i start to feel good ...

it's just that my state of perception has always been obscured ... i've never really had anyone to gauge things by ... so i'm left to make my own mistakes and pick up the pieces by myself ... and i haven't really been doing a good job ... i'm actually starting to get scared that i'll spend a fair portion of the "rest of my life" feeling this way ... since i haven't had a "real" relationship ever - what's to say i ever will ... i don't need someone to complete me - i need someone that will help me feel that "i'm ok" ... just someone who likes me and gets me ... that's all i want ... i want the simple things ...


Posted by scxtt at 1:04 AM EDT

Sunday, 14 March 2004

live(d) and learn(ed) ...
hmm ... things have happened and thoughts have been thought ... and feelings have been come to terms with ... so it's time to talk to my blog ... cause blog understands ... i hadn't really talked to holly in a while ... we've still yet to ever have a serious talk about anything ... i did see her about 3 weeks ago @ the winking lizard and i basically went off on her - in a nice rational way - and she just sat there and took it and agreed with me ... we ended the night with a hug and a promise from her that she'd call me, but she didn't ... yeah, ok - typical, whatever ... so a couple days ago i meet heather @ c.c. and she tells me about this hellish experience the 2 of them have with the dude mike that goes into champps and badgers holly into a date ... long story short - he makes heather very upset with harassment about the sam thing ... so altho jumping back into the dating scene, her first attempt is horrid ... ok, well wonderful - so she can maybe see that i'm "Cool" ...

so heather was supposed to come down here and we were gonna go to 69taps ... but it turns out i get dragged up to this weird bar off 77 ... holly and sam are there and it turns out it's this bar that sam and his work buddies go to ... so i'm stuck there with don @ my side just drinking amber bocks ... acutally that's fine, no biggie - i'm not to cool for that or anything ... then this friend of sam starts hitting on holly - and getting her number or giving her his ... and hell, whatever - i don't care so much, it's gonna happen ... i'll be witness to it ... life goes on ...

so the real point of my blogging is this: this thing with holly is just a joke ... there's nothing real or good about it ... she's just a lost soul ... and she's just trying to string me along ... but i don't really think it's intentional ... she's just not very grown up ... internally, yes i was having "problems" dealing with someone hitting on her right in front of me ... but i wasn't doing or saying anything ... the "trouble" started when holly said something like "this is nerve-racking" ... and i jokingly said "what is?" and somehow it ended up that i was being a jerk or some other typical ex-bf crap ... which wasn't the case at all ... i didn't create the mess - it found me ... and the thing that drives me insane the most is the way she leaves hints of wanting us to get back together ... i really don't think she even knows she's doing it ... and i don't have the energy anymore to try to convince someone to be an adult ... to just talk to me ... the way i see it now is that there just isn't really anything to her, sad as it makes me to say that, i think it's just the case ... she's a good girl and i do like her but i just don't feel like there's any substance to her ... i can't talk to her about anything that i'm interested in and she doesn't talk to me about anything aside from work probs and other stuff that happens around her ... i don't know - i've listed my reasons for being ok with us not being together ... and i feel pretty confident in that ... i think the last thing i've got to get over is the damage this did to my "pride" ... but i guess this is pretty typical too ... it's hard for anyone to have someone say "i love you" then stop ... it just boils down to the pain of being dumped by someone who's not right for you and you know it but didn't break it up first ... i think this episode might have taught me to finally do that ... cause when i look back at every relationship i've been in, i'll just let it drag on almost "no matter what" ... and that makes it worse for everyone ...

so my modus operandi is just gonna be to hopefully find out if there is any substance to holly - i want there to be ... so i'm more than ready and willing to play the role of friend ... i'd really like holly to be as good a friend as heather is ... but i can see that it doesn't matter how much i want it if holly can't be an adult about what happened and what she did ... i have a pretty clear conscience right now ... my only fault is wishful thinking about the human race ... this is a sad demographic to be a part of ... i wonder how i ended up this way? i wonder if it really is cause of constantly being surrounded by my parents stable relationship ... i think so ...


Posted by scxtt at 1:40 AM EST

Wednesday, 18 February 2004

a day is a day is a day ...
it feels like winter has gone on forever ... or that i just haven't done anything in the longest time - i'm ready for it to be @ least 60 out and to feel the sun on my face ... ehh ... same old shit has been goin' on ... sleep --> work --> computer/guitar --> next day [and repeat] ... going up to KSU again to sort out the rest of my scheduling stuff ... so hopefully that will be good to go and i can rearrange work and whatnot ... one less thing to worry about ... damn stupid visa stole 40 bux from me cause of presidents day ... i'm getting half of it back but it's all still BS ...

ryan and i went down to see and talk to clint about what can/can't go on ... he's stuck switching weekends in jail for about 15weeks or so ... it's gonna take 30weeks total - damn it all ... poor dude ... but there's chances well jam with him - time will tell ...


Posted by scxtt at 2:54 AM EST

Saturday, 14 February 2004

oh the joy of it all ...
damn, things have been getting a little interesting ... actually there really isn't much to complain about ... comps running good - work is ok - guitar stuff is great - room is rearranged quite well ... i'm pretty happy ... actually got linux running well ... and i can get stuff to work ... as long as i don't care how clean it all is ... it's just my workstation ... i don't care if it's perfect ... got audio and video - i'm happy ...

things with holly are pretty much fizzling into nothing ... i'm just gonna ignore the whole thing really ... she can contact me when she's good and ready ... i almost don't care ... lemme make a list:(in no order - cept smoking!)

[bad]
1. smoking
2. feet thing
3. hobbies/interests?
4. sloppy
5. ambitions?
6. high school grad stuff

[good]
1. fun to be around
2. she is "interesting"
3. the one i'm "ashamed" to admit

so basically my theory is "whatever" - i'm gonna just worry about me and get my sheit together ...

speaking of which - i'm 99% sure i'll be back @ KSU in the fall ... i think i'm really gonna do this - and i'm pretty "excited" ... * damn it feels good to be a gangSTER! *


Posted by scxtt at 1:58 AM EST

Sunday, 8 February 2004


i figured there'd be good old lapses in entries ... i'm really no good @ this writing stuff ... things have been ok ... pretty much the same as they've been any time before ... i'm listening to "tap the keg fish" ... travis and lance and eric ... i don't know what i think if it really ... i know i was thinking it'd be "LLE-ish" which it isn't - don't know if i'm dissapointed in that fact or not ... it's got it's own unique vibe to it and it's growing on me ... lance it quite the bassist ... hehehe ... not surprised since he's travis's brother ... i'm kinda sorta thinking about asking eric what he thinks about letting me join them in some LLE resurection ... basically Tap with the addition of me to rehash some LLE classics ... i think it'd be cool and fun ... but i don't know if i will ... i really don't think they'd be keen on it ... my band is still on hiatus ... clint isn't screwed or anything but i don't know when we'll see him again ...

things with holly took a turn for the better recently ... she sent me a txt message asking how i was doin and i just called her - i felt like i just jumped at the 1st signal of her acknowledging me - but oh well ... so we talked and it was nice and she asked if i'd come over again ... she said she was worried about what might happen ... i can only guess what she meant, but i'm sure whatever it was it happened ... it was inevitable - it's kinda the cornerstone of our relationship ... oh well ... but this time she talked about "taking it slow" and "getting to know eachother" ... she basically said everything i'd wanna hear - minus "i'll stop smoking" ... oh well, what am i gonna do about that ... so there's a chance we'll be for real this time ... i do know if it doesn't happen that i can deal with that ... actually if it was all or nothing right now i'd take nothing ... cause there's no real need for us to be together @ this point ... but who knows how things will change ... maybe she's getting her feelings together ... i think she can't stand to be alone ... be that through relationships or friendships ... and she said some of her friendships are going to shit ... i'm guessing she's experiencing that type of scary loneliness that makes you feel closed off ... i just hope she's being for real ... i have some faith that she is ...

note to self:
"cold" = overbiased = to much restriction
"hot" = underbiased = to little restriction


Posted by scxtt at 3:58 AM EST
Updated: Sunday, 8 February 2004 3:58 AM EST

Saturday, 24 January 2004

another one for the record books ...
kinda a ho-hum day today ... got up around the usual noon or so ... cut my hair, cause i've been needing to for about a month ... it's weird how i think it looks "bad" when i go from "long" to "short" but i know in a day or 2 i'll be cool with it again ... jammed on the voodoo for a bit - sounds real good up past 2 and with more presence than treble - i totally dig that amp ... got the EMG today ... USPS rules! ... ordered it on the 20th and it was here from CA in 2 days - amazing ... kinda a beeitch to put in cause the cavity in the sca is small and the input jack was atypical ... but i rigged it up in a rather ghetto manner that i'm quite proud of ... it's definately one of a kind i'd imagine ... didn't get to play with it to much cause by the time i got it in there, soldered, and restrung it was 9 and i didn't wanna crank anything ... so i played with the fender for about 10minutes ... biased at 80 it sounded "tight" ... can't wait to give it a real go ... so i'm glad that's all squared away - i feel real good about the whole thing ... the RAID server was down @ KSU so i could have went to see the dude regardless of the email conf. but i'da been so pissed if i went there and he wasn't there ... so i'll trek up monday ...

talked to heather for a bit - it was nice, makes me feel like there's life outside of the basement ... sent holly a voicemail about the brake change thing - don't know if she'll reply ... in a backwards way i feel kinda good that she doesn't call or just say "eh, i'll take care of it" i think it makes me feel like she's doing what she did last time - the whole avoiding me till she's either drunk or really sincerely misses me ... that being said i bet she calls tomorrow ... i do genuinely miss her ...

i have definately noticed how i don't fit into the typical mold of a 23yo ... i should be out livin' it up, but instead i just sit in the cold basement ... at least now i have these urges to get out ... i really miss those couple of months where we'd pick up and go out ... i want so bad to just go sit at 69taps ... this sux ...


Posted by scxtt at 2:16 AM EST

Friday, 23 January 2004

here i go again on my own ...
damn ... i just don't know what to do or think anymore ... i'm so frustruated by the inconsistencies of life ... i'm listening to old LLE stuff for some reason ... i don't know if it's so much that i like the way i used to play those songs - or i like the songs - or i like the crutch of having stuff already "done", but i miss playing that stuff ... and i can't even imagine how good i'd sound now that i know what i know ... it makes me sad ... cause i developed myself so well in our second attemt - all that was holding me back was not using gear to its fullest potential ... and i feel like that's sorted out so much better now ... parts of me tell me to swallow my pride (for the 2nd time) and just talk about a reunion ... but i guess it's still pointless when you remember most everyone's still in school ... i think if we could just have gotten a little more "edge" we'd rocked so hardcore! ... i can just imagine those songs tuned down a hole step and rippin' em down ... eh ... maybe it's just not to be ...

as far as everything else ... i got ~35 hours this week ... i'm pretty proud of myself for sticking a few days out and volunteering to stay ... i wish i could get that many every week ... i wanna move out pretty bad again ... each day i think about just saying "F-it" and doing what i know is a bad choice and just striking out on my own for the long haul ... there's a possibility i can get a job @ Allstate, 40hrs and benefits ... maybe if i can i'll do it ... put school on hold (till it's free) ... parts of me "want" to go back - but kinda as a last resort ... i almost feel like 1. go to school 2. join the armed forces ... cause i can't really stand this paycheck-2-paycheck-living-with-mom&dad thing anymore ...

as far as holly goes ... i just don't know anymore ... i mean i'm not so end-of-the-world about it anymore ... but i do miss her ... i miss feeling important to someone ... kinda glad i drank 5 talls that night and just blubbered like an idiot ... a real good cry always does me good ... i told holly (with and SMS) that i'd still change her brakes, but she hasn't answered ... so either she doesn't care or it's kinda like last time where she just ignores me ... worst thing is if she called i bet i'd still be overly excited ... i'd like to see it happen that i change her brakes and a couple days go by ... then we hang out, with heather et al. and things just slowly progress ... for some reason i really feel like she and i could be something truly special ... cause internally i think we feel the same way about ourselves and life ... but we've never talked about it ... well i sorta did as i balled my eyes out to her ...

other than all that, only a few minorly terrible things have been going on ... my car seems to be leaking powersteering fluid ... lost almost all of it on wednesday - and my car made horrible noises as i was driving to work ... but it's been refilled ... have to make an appointment to get it looked @ ... i think i'll mention it when i get an oil change - to damn cold out to do it myself ... still need to make a dentist appointment ... and i emailed the dude from kent but the email got bounced back - so i'm not gonna trek out there and find out he's not there @ 8am ... tried to use the vintage30's in the crate cab, but they were 16ohms and i didn't feel like wiring the cab to 8 or 32 ... kinda bummed by that one ... but my emg's are on the way - FINALLY ... can't wait to have them in the sca ...

other than that life has continued to trudge along ...


Posted by scxtt at 2:53 AM EST

Monday, 19 January 2004

i was right
she was just drunk and lonely ... so this is really it this time ...


Posted by scxtt at 10:22 PM EST

Sunday, 18 January 2004

now i'm just lost ...
well i went over to hollys - had to "pry" my way in cause she was asleep and couldn't hear her 2 LOUD phones ringing for 10min straight ... it was "nice" ... felt good at the time, now it feels like a "i'm drunk and lonely, let's pretend things are ok" thing ... cause she hasn't really talked to me since ... and i really can't say anything else about it cause we didn't talk and she "kicked me out" to go out with some friends ... so i don't feel much better about the whole thing ... heather and i are going to champps so maybe something will get sorted out once and for all ... we both threw the L word around quite a bit - i'll be real disgusted if only one of us meant it ... i think i can forget about it tho if this is it - cause it'll just mean she was jerkin' me around - and i don't need that ...


Posted by scxtt at 6:43 PM EST

Friday, 16 January 2004

one for the record books ...
wow, a strange day ... might only get stranger ... started out normal ... got up with just enough time ... work was boring but quick ... heather called, and actually left a message ... she wanted to get some stuff out of her old house and needed some help cause she wanted to get her 32" tv ... so breanne came over with her truck and we took a bunch of miscelaneous crap ... and the tension with her and james was "fun" ... so after freezing my fingers off we head up to parma to take it to the house ... and it was unloaded pretty uneventfully ...

heather said we were gonna stop @ champps - and i was thinking to purposely see holly ... but she called and said she was done with work ... so i got all down (cause i'm still stupid) ... on the way up there we stopped @ a gas station and i started talking to heather about it ... told her i was getting to that point where my saddness turns to anger and then probably indifference ... so it was all well and fine ... figured there's no reason to talk about it anymore or think about it really ... so i get home and just start doing misc. stuff as usual ... then holly calls - yep i was shocked too - she says she's going to see mike and will call me afterwards ... then i get this message that asks if i wanna come over ... so i say sure - cause who am i kidding really ... she hasn't answered back, so we'll see what happens ... for some reason i'm prepared to not hear from her ... so i wait ...


Posted by scxtt at 2:11 AM EST

Thursday, 15 January 2004

ehh ...
now i'm just plain old bored ... i'm stuck in this cycle of:

1. get up with just enough time to get ready for work and go
2. go to work for how ever long they let us
3. come home and eat
4. research guitar stuff till 4-5am

i'm already kinda bored with it ... i mean i guess it's good that i'm learning lots of guitar stuff, but i'm sick of being a shut in ... i feel so out of touch again ... i know i can just go out, even on my own ... i think a thin thread is keeping me from doing it ...


Posted by scxtt at 2:42 AM EST

Tuesday, 13 January 2004

up and away ...
it's good to say that i'm starting to feel a little better overall ... now i'm just a little bored, and feeling shut in ... wish it was summer or something ... stayed up way to late last night, 6 or so i think ... so i got up @ 3pm i think, so most of today was a waste ... rebiased my fender - turns out it was way off, it was set to 44mV and it's best @ 68mV ... so i'm guessing it's gonna sound bad ass! ... i was a little scared to play though it tho ... don't know why ... i think i will tomorrow if i get up early enough ...

stupidest thing about today was this weirdass misunderstanding thing with ryan ... guess it all boils down to both of us just reading to much into the context of some of our messages ... this time i think it was more his "fault" ... telling someone to calmdown in no way does anything to curb them from being mad -- especially if they aren't ... strange as it was, i don't think it will amount to much ...

talked to mike also for about a half hour ... had some ideas about the band situation ... they all sounded nice for the predicament we're in ... so hopefully we get together and brainstorm something good ... funny that my conversation with mike essentially caused this goofy sheit with ryan ...

heavymetal_scxtt (9:13:02 PM): i talked to mike about our drumming situation ... said he'd be willing to "take drumming a little more seriously" for the time being - fill the void till MAYBE clint gets back ... he also has a friend that might be able to do it ... he thinks we should all sit down, have a few beers and see if we can work this thing out ... i concur ...

how that turned into what it did is beyond me ...

talked to heather today too ... it was nice ... she said holly may be calling me within a relatively short amount of time ... i'm looking forward to it ... don't know how much stock to put in it tho since heather said she hasn't really talked to holly in a while ... maybe since they're best friends and such she just "knows" ... at any rate i hope she's right ...


Posted by scxtt at 2:32 AM EST

Monday, 12 January 2004

babe, you know i've got to ramble ...
ramble:on ... well today wasn't such a horrible day ... got up around 1:30 ... ate some donuts ... took a shower ...

played some guitar: the behringer vPro --> VC120 --> 2x12 ... i can get some nifty sounds outta the vPro ... specially the chorus ... and the flanger sounds promising ... and i think i can tweak the compressor to be useful ... i'll have to try it with the peavey ... i just can't wait for the emg's so i can feel good about all my amps ... the RG sounds pretty good, but it seems only @ higher volumes ... and i really didn't like it with the 15watt VC ... hope i have a decent enough time installing it ... saw this band on Austin City Limits - Los Lonely Boys ... drums bass guitar = simple setup - kickass results ... they all sing and the guitarist does some great blues stuff ... totally dug em ... i think he used a dsl ... well it looked single channel tho and not a 800 ... great tones ... i want a neck p'up that sounds like that ... and i want a 3 s.c. strat ...

went over to grandparents house ... those 2 are funny - they're the best ... rearranged some stuff ... looked at tool kits ... talked about walmart - typical stuff ...

i'd say the best part of today was talking over IM with my friend Nikki from CP ... she's such a cool girl ... and i've had this little crush on her for the longest time ... but it's totally a cute little middle school type crush - innocent i mean ... and she's gonna let me come over there sometime - so we can hang out ... i'm so pumped ... she's so cute ... and so easy to talk to ... it's gonna be great ...

as far as the holly thing goes ... i still miss her ... i really miss just going over there and being around her ... the pain has eased up a bit ... now i guess i hope we talk to eachother sometime soon ... i think i might go up to champps regardless next sunday ... i don't know ... i'm still @ a loss as to what my role is in this ... i wish i could know if she misses me @ all ... maybe i can wait a week more and it'll be nicer for her ... who knows ... if we never see eachother again i'll really be confused ... such a sad thing ... sent heather a sms that said "i'm bored - if you wanna hang out with me that would be cool" ... i have this sad feeling that the 3 people i spent the last 4 mos with, i'm not gonna see so much anymore ... and i have this goofy feeling about ryan ... maybe mike can help clean that up ... get him to just hack away at the drums and maybe we can salvage something ... gotta call him tomorrow ... ramble:off


Posted by scxtt at 2:04 AM EST

Sunday, 11 January 2004

looking within ...
i think one of the things i "hate" most about breaking up (read 'getting dumped') with a girl is all the introspection it causes me to do ... i keep thinking that "if only i was a little different" then things would have worked out ... i really don't know if i'm happy with who i am ... i think so, but i know i'm not happy with the way people perceive me ... that's what i really don't know how to do anything about ... and i don't know how to put my heart into anything ... and i don't know how to let go ... and be free ... something is always weighing me down ... i remember i used to look at my day or a certain time period and say "well this is the one thing that sux and if it didn't i'd be happy" ... as if one thing was always keeping me down ... there were a few times i felt like there wasn't anything wrong ... but they were few and far between ... i hate not being depressed and just sad ... i wonder if i should see a therapist ... i don't see how someone can convince me that there's nothing "wrong" ... and i don't want pills to make me feel better ... i think the problem is i don't know what i want - i don't know what i'm supposed to do ... i just don't understand how to be human ... i just don't think anyone believes in me and it's got me thinking i can't believe in myself ... it's all so pivotal to leaving UT ... why did i do that? i gotten me nothing but here ... i was thinking @ work today that i was better off when i graduated high school ... every decision i made since then has been terrible ... following amanda - bad idea ... thinking i couldn't do anything w/o her - bad idea ... blindly picking a major - bad idea ... throwing away my group of friends @ UT - such a regretable mistake ... and my time @ kent started off bad cause of my mental state post-amanda ... i'd say the only good thing that's happened is that the blows of getting dumped haven't hurt so bad since that ... it does with holly, and i'm guessing it's cause she seemed to like me so much ... and now she won't talk to me ... and i can't go see her at work ... and i don't think she's ever gonna talk to me ... and i don't think anyone likes me ... i'm just so upset how my whole world came crashing down in a week ... it's as if my life is telling me to always be weary of getting ready to start over ... and one of the things i hate most is that i can't explain this to someone and feel like they understand ... i don't feel like anyone understands anything i say ... i have no faith in my existance ...


Posted by scxtt at 2:31 AM EST
Updated: Saturday, 24 January 2004 2:22 AM EST

jipp'd ...
i was right - should have gone in @ 3 ... they got sent home 15min early - i got sent home an hour early ... so essentialy i still got home @ the same time i would have with a full shift ... sonofabitch! ...

i called mike about the failing of the band ... he didn't call me back on friday when we didn't do anything ... i wouldn't be surprised if he thought this whole thing was a bunch of bs ... told him that if he wants to be "the drummer" the position is avaliable ... i didn't really tell him that ryan and i are @ odds on how to pursue this ... i really don't wanna just sit around and wait for the prospect of clint to return ... cause i don't really think it's gonna happen ... i'm game with just jamming with mike behind the kit ... give him a chance to get better ... i don't know how i feel about all this right now ...

heather says i should forget about me and holly - she wants to do her own thing ... :(


Posted by scxtt at 1:04 AM EST

Saturday, 10 January 2004

another day, another dollar, still sad ...
i should have gone into work @ 3, but i opted to go in @ 4 cause i couldn't get my lazy butt outta bed in time to get ready and make it there on time ... so i'll probably lose a .5hr-1hr of working time ... doh ... cause i couldn't get myself into bed till around 5am last night ... but @ least i found this blog to whine to ... thank you mr blog ... holly didn't answer my sms or call me or anything - she keeps hurting my feelings real bad ... i wonder if this is how she felt when she thought i didn't care (enough)? it really sux ...

yeah, and the band is essentially over ... clinton "came clean" and told us he just can't do it - i suspected as much, tho i'm not mad @ him ... just sux that we wasted the last 2 mos. hoping he'd come around ... and i feel like we completely wasted mike's time and energy ... i'm gonna call him on my lunch today and let him know what's up ... so all that has led me so forsake my dreams and just go back to school - what's the point of putting it off to be "happy" when i keep ending up sad? ... i'd rather be "sad" for a year or 2 and have a degree @ the end ... that's my story and i'm sticking to it ...


Posted by scxtt at 2:59 PM EST
Updated: Saturday, 10 January 2004 3:07 PM EST

i've grown dumber ...
i can't believe all the html stuff i forgot how to do ... good thing i saved all my work from the previous site ...


Posted by scxtt at 3:57 AM EST

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