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i'm so depressed right now ... i think its bad this time cause it all came so "all of the sudden" ... had a great girl and i didn't treat her right ... and the band thing just seems doomed ... i don't know how to live - cause when the opportunity comes around i always seem to fuk it up ... why couldn't i have just let the smoking thing lie low for a while? why couldn't i have been more open as to why i looked unhappy? why can't i get anyone to believe in me? i'd love to have a girl that believes in me ... holly, i just wanted to spend time with you 1 on 1 ... you know, real dates, not just bars ... and i was just bummed that we didn't spend time together before n.y.e. ... this is really hurting me ... more than any other time and any other girl ... i wanna know when this switch got turned on inside me to make me feel so self-conscious ... it drives me crazy ... and there are times where it feels like it's "off" ... few and far between, but that only amplifies the "on" feeling ... i think it's ruined most of my life up to this point ... and i always tend to pidgeon-hole myself into a group of people based on my dating life - so when the relationship crashes, i have about no one ... heather is very understanding and nice to me but i feel like all 3 of us can't be in the same room like before ... damn i wish holly would have talked to me more about this and we could have worked through it all ... we had no major problems ... it's such a senseless waste ...

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so now i'm just left wondering what could possibly happen between us ... i have no problem with us "being friends" but i wonder how that could make either of us happy ... she says we have too many differences and i like her to much to see her with anyone else ...

and it hurts a lot to hear her sound so nonchalant about the whole thing ... like i'm just some dude @ the bar @ champps hitting on her ... where's the girl that said she loved me? i wish she could hear me ...

and i really don't get the "i don't wanna be in a serious relationship right now" gig ... unless you mean you wanna be a whore, i can't see how that is a sensible statement ... i don't wanna take the relationship 2 serious, but i wanna feel confident that it's going somewhere ... as far as that goes, i just wish she would have believed in me ... i know i sucked @ showing her how i felt, but i did feel - just no good @ showing it ... so i guess i'll just let time go by and visit her @ champps on sundays - maybe soon she'll understand ...

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